Random Doodles

For my creative project, I will do something related with my artwork because I find that I start to draw (well doodle) only when I’m feeling emotional; I’m either experiencing a profound euphoria or I’m in a despair state of mind where everything around me is depressing, and the only outlet I feel I have to express what I’m feeling is through art. However, I find that I mostly tend to doodle when I’m feeling sad. When I’m feeling sad, I’m inclined to take out my watercolors and begin to let my imagination run wild without putting any restrictions on my conscious.  When I feel I have to express something internal that I cannot describe with words, painting is a way to express what in other words feels wordless in my life because I give meaning to what is internally bugging me. I don’t think about what I am going to doodle. I just take the paintbrush in my hand and begin to draw random lines on the paper. The paintbrush in my hand begins to move in whatever direction it likes and I allow it. I often feel mindless when I’m drawing because I don’t think of nothing; I don’t think of what color I’m going to select next when painting or what shape to draw.

I have noticed when I try to think about what to draw, I find myself feeling like I can’t draw, or I feel like I’m trying too hard to paint something. It’s easier to just not think of anything and allow my conscious to express itself freely and without restrictions because when I allow my conscious to be free like the wind, the drawings (doodles) I end up with impress me. The paintings are nothing rational that anyone looking at can make sense of, but the paintings speak to me; they often make sense to me. The paintings take on their own form and the message I often receive by looking at them is rebirth. I don’t know why, but rebirth is what often pops in my head when I look at the finished painting. Weird.

I find that when I draw, I have to use a lot of bright colors. The colors I draw/paint with are mostly all shades of blues, greens, yellows, purples, etc… I have noticed that I tend to avoid using the colors red and black in my paintings. I have not figured out why I do that, but I’m hoping to discover the reason for it before my presentation day. The color I’m mostly drawn to using is blue. The color blue reminds me of the ocean, which happens to be one of my favorite places to visit whenever I’m feeling “blue.”  In other words, the color blue has a significant meaning in my life because it signifies the deep void inside of my chest that is profound like the ocean. I tend to want to express what I feel is lacking in my life? I don’t know.

I will be analyzing and interpreting the paintings I have drawn and kept over the years to discover the hidden message or messages my subconscious has been trying to tell me before my presentation day. 

What could be more important?

I believe the reason why many people accept a job duty they do not like is because they feel they have no choice. Speaking for myself, I accept a job duty I don’t like because I, too, feel like I have no choice. If I ignore what I am told to do I’m fired, and if I suck it up and do what I’m told, I keep my job. However, I would argue that it all depends on the duty I’m asked to accomplish that determines whether or not I do what I am told to do because if the duty goes against my own personal morals, I quit before I get fired. For example, I quit my job at SFO (San Francisco International Airport) as a customer service agent for an airline a few years back because I could not deal with two things: the late hours and the toll working late hours had on my body and mind.

           

When I was hired to work at SFO, my boss told me my schedule would be from 5pm or maybe 7pm (it all depended on the flight schedules) till about 2am. I took the job because I wanted to work for an airline and also because the work schedule fit with my busy school schedule. At first it was wonderful working at SFO. My coworkers were all very friendly and helpful; they made me feel welcome and comfortable. I didn’t mine working the late hours because I was getting paid. I was getting paid overtime to help rebook angry passengers all morning after a flight was cancelled. Though I have to admit, rebooking angry passengers SUCKED BIG TIME! But I had to do it because if I didn’t I was fired. However, I did not mine having to stay long hours when it was on a Friday or Saturday morning because I had nothing to do the following day, except maybe homework.

Eventually working long hours started to annoy me because I did not want to stay all morning long, especially Monday mornings. Working late hours and going to school on Mondays were the worse for me because I was practically a walking zombie. I attended school four days a week: Monday through Thursday. I had class on Mondays from 10am till 6pm, and by the time I got home on Monday in the evening, I was practically dead. At school I had the hardest time fighting the urge of wanting to fall asleep in class. My eyelids felt like they each weight a ton; they felt so heavy on my face. Caffeine had no affect on my body; it did absolutely nothing to keep me focus. I could drink two cups of coffee, one after the other, and feel no affect. In class, I would space out and not absorb any information the professor was lecturing on. Whatever my professor said when in through one ear and right out the other without me even noticing. I dreaded feeling so tired and drained. I mean I had been working since 5pm the day before till 8am the following day, which was 13 hours. Sometimes, however, I could not leave until the morning crew arrived to takeover.

I knew I had to change the lifestyle I was leading because it was affecting my ability to stay sane. Once having to rebook angry passengers into later flights started to become a routine and I was losing too much sleep, and loosing my ability to stay present not just in class but in life, I knew it was time do something about it. As much as I hated having to make the decision to quit my job because I really enjoyed working with my coworkers, I knew I could not handle being a full time student and work 30 hours a week. Yes, the money I received helped me, a college student, live comfortably, but I had to make the decision to quit and keep my sanity and health.  I knew that if I did not stay when asked to stay and rebook angry passengers in other flights, I would be fired. Therefore, I did stay for as long as I could take it. However, I reached my limit of tolerance and I had to make the choice to quit because my education and health were suffering as a consequence of working long hours. I had to set my priorities straight and decided for myself what I valued more.

A selfless Man

In “The Guest”, my favorite character has to be the Arab because although he is accused of killing someone, he comes off as a thoughtful, compassionate human being who would not harm anyone. The Arab had plenty of opportunities to escape when he was in Daru’s custody, but he chose not to. Moreover, the Arab never showed any type of hostility towards Daru once Badulcci left. On the contrary, at first the Arab seemed a bit scared but once Daru asked Balducci to untie the Arabs hands, the Arab understood Daru would not harm him. Daru treated the Arab like a guest in his house even though he was a prisoner, and for this reason the Arab felt gratitude towards Daru. The Arab knew Daru was not the enemy; instead, he was his friend.  Daru hated to be put in that situation where he had to turn the Arab over to the authorities and the Arab understood that. The Arab understood that if Daru did not turn him in, then, Daru could be killed. Therefore when Daru took him to the crossroads and told the Arab he had two choices, one to turn himself in or two to go a different route and be free, the Arab chose the path that would take his liberty to save Daru’s liberty and life. He did something only a man with a selfless heart could do because even I feel that would be difficult for me to accomplish.